marriage 101

Marriage constantly teaches me lessons. It's no secret that I like to know everything. At all times. So these lessons are a humbling experience, at best.

Within the past year, the mister and I have moved into a new house and welcomed a new baby. Both of these are major life events and, naturally, require many construction projects.

Marriage Lesson #1: The HubnNubs and I have extremely different timelines. If you know me at all, you know that if I say I want something, it is as good as done. BD, apparently, is offended by the concept of time. He is SO offended that if I start a question with "how long/how much..." his eyes roll into the back of his head and his entire head turns around, Exorcist-style.

Case in point, I have previously alluded to the front door incident. I am 110% positive that BD mentioned replacing our front door when we were moving into our house. I heard "let's replace the front door." BD meant the front door could be replaced in the house's lifetime, but that surely isn't our responsibility. See, I have a constant to-do list going on in my head. [Having a baby and four months worth of interrupted sleep has altered this to-do list somewhat, but it still exists.] So the fact that BD chose to voice something out loud [we know by now that this is a rare occurrence] meant, to me, that we need to get on this home improvement project. In reality, this involved two trips to Lowe's where we scouted out the front door and then a third trip to commit to purchasing the front door. It was on our way home from trip number three that BD informed me we would not be installing the front door that day. Granted, it was 8:30 PM on a Sunday night and most likely, there was no way that we would be able to remove our current door and put in our new door plus an added storm door in the 30 minutes of daylight that was remaining. A girl could hope, though.

Surely, I thought, this would be a top priority for Monday after work. Nope. Tuesday? Not even close. Our newly purchased front door and storm door sat in the carport for a few days and was transferred to the basement for a few weeks. I was itching with anticipation. I was almost sick with it. In fact, let's be honest folks, I was sick. My to-do list time limit radar was off the charts. My OCD world was rocked and there was nothing I could do about it. I did not have the strength or power tool knowledge to remove and replace a front door. Not to mention that I was seven months pregnant at the time. Cut to Memorial Day weekend, approximately 25 years* after the replacement door was purchased. I had plans to see a concert in Columbus and BD had two days of freedom. With a customized to-do list, of course.

Headed home from a successful weekend of concerting, and more importantly, shopping, I called BD to check in. And by "check in" I mean make sure that the front door was on. Unfortunately, BD was in a precarious situation: he had removed the old front door only to learn that our door frame was more quadrilateral and less rectangle. Now, even if you don't know anything about home improvement projects, common sense will tell you that you cannot leave a door off the front of a house. Especially in 90 degree heat. Particularly with a pregnant wife who begrudgingly watches Criminal Minds reruns behind her hands, in broad daylight with all of the lights on. Without going into the particulars of our conversation, just know that we ended up replacing a Blackberry that weekend. In addition to investing in 55 power tools needed to get the job done properly. The door was eventually put on. The storm door was put on months later. If I had any question about my concept of time verses BD's concept of time, I had learned my lesson with our front door project.

So, in July when we bought tile to replace our kitchen floor, I let the day of purchase, week of purchase, and month of purchase go by before I became antsy. I mentally talked myself off the proverbial ledge many times. Finally, I approached the idea of actually using the tile for its intended purpose around Thanksgiving. I gingerly asked BD if he thought we [read: he] could replace the kitchen floor over Thanksgiving weekend. "Sure!" he replied. While BD was at work on Friday, I did what I could do to help: I moved the refrigerator, stove, and set of cabinets out of the kitchen. By myself. Not that I'm bragging. Well, we know what happens to "the best laid plans." Unfortunately, the tile project took longer than I had thought. Granted, I never tested my time theory with BD because I would most likely lose my privileges to talk to him by asking him how much longer it would take. So, when the Sunday after Thanksgiving rolled around and our kitchen appliances were still living in our dining room, I was questioning our commitment to attending Thanksgiving dinner at my mom's. Not to mention the fact that I had volunteered us to make mashed potatoes, cookies, and rolls [what can I say? we love our carbs!]. I realized that I should probably take the path of least resistance and ask BD if he thought he would be able to make it to my mom's for dinner. Please note that I did not ask how much longer he thought this project would take. Instead, I cleverly hid my question around the concept of eating, which is somewhat more successful in prompting a response from BD.

Which leads me to Marriage Lesson #2: Consider renting or leasing property. Or hire a contractor who specializes in marriage counseling.**

*this may be a slight exaggeration.
**I am eternally grateful to BD for providing me blogworthy material. I love him and am thankful that he lets me write at his expense.